My Peace is Destroyed.

 Job chapter 3, in The Message, the chapter is literally called "Job Cries Out."

And wouldn't you know, that's basically the motto of my life. 

Alyssa Cries Out.

I have. Since I was 19 years old. 

Let me back up a little bit here and fill you in on my back story so you understand a little bit of where my soul is coming from.

One night, I went to Walmart by myself back in 2006. November 2006 to be exact. Christmas decorations were everywhere. I was there getting a mini tree for my bedroom and some white canvas shoes. I stood in the back of the store where the shoes are and all the sudden, I felt dizzy. I didn't understand why as this had never happened before.. but it made me feel panicky- another feeling I had never felt before. I grabbed the shoes, mini Christmas tree in hand, and started heading towards the front of the store. I had this overwhelming feeling to get out of the store as fast as possible. I stood in the check out line and walked up to the cashier and the room started spinning. I was terrified. I had no idea what was happening. All of  a sudden, I looked at the cashier and said "I think I'm going to pass out..." and that was it. I dropped the mini Christmas tree and shoes on the check out line and took off running out the doors. I breathed in the cold air, speeding to my car as fast as I could. I raced home. And just sat in that. What in the world happened? I was so confused. And honestly, couldn't explain the panic I felt in my brain.

Fast forward to 2 days later, I was sitting in my college class at a local university- and it happened again during a girl's speech about a car accident she endured. I felt the room spinning, grabbed my back pack and things, took off out the door, ran to my car, and raced the 30 minute drive home. 

The whole entire ride, I couldn't wait to get to my house. I was petrified. My brain felt like so overwhelmed. My emotions were every where. 

I had never heard of panic attacks- anxiety disorder- none of it. I didn't even know that was what I was facing in those moments. 

After that day in college, I didn't go back. I couldn't. I physically could not. What happens to me if that happens again and I'm 30 minutes from home... alone? What happens if I'm driving?

I tried to go to a college closer to home, but in the middle of a math class at our local university, a girl had a seizure right next to me and of course, this wasn't her fault, but as someone that was already struggling with panic attacks and something bad happening while I'm alone- I watched some of my fears happen to another individual- and it was too much for my soul, my brain, and my mental health.

I dropped out that day too. 

And the sad part is, I kept a lot of that pain, trauma, and need for healing tucked inside. I didn't feel like anyone would understand or if they did- what would that mean for me? 

And now, here we are- 18 years later.... it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have spent almost as much of my life suffering with panic disorder as I have without it. I really honestly don't even know what 'mentally healthy' feels like and I worry I never will.

I've never taken the time to restore my peace.. no, my peace was destroyed and it was never redeemed. 

Job 3

"My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed, no rest for me ever...."

It was all shattered. All taken from me.

And I've never gotten it back and still don't know how.

I put a smile on my face and show up at events and I'm there, but inside, my chest is aching, my heart is pounding, my ears clog up with that anxious/pass out feeling- and I struggle the entire time when I should be enjoying my life.

It's frustrating, overwhelming, and not a way to live.

But when do I get my peace? When do I get that opportunity? to be healthy? Better?

My peace is destroyed and I don't know if that's forever?

Will I ever get rest?